Call it for what it is

Here’s to an issue that has no geographical boundaries or racial preferences –
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My legs will stretch out from underneath my dress with no apology.

My hips will curve out like a neat bottle of cola and exist with no apology.

Mascara may sometimes decorate my lashes and my eyes will occasionally dress up. But they will appear with no apology.

My hair will carelessly fall over my shoulders, be whipped back into a bun, be twirled into a twist at the nape of my neck. My hair will be what it wants to be without any apology.

When I stepped into your office, I was welcomed by the usual cheer of both you and your colleagues. But something quickly changed. You, and him, and him, were examining me with a string of thoughts; a brief wondering about the ways, tastes, and textures of foreign flesh. I could read it in your eyes and the way your lips turned upward in that halfway smile. I wasn’t born yesterday, you know. I have an intuition; a sense you will never know about. And I have met many like you before.

You offered up the usual harmless banter about the need for me to get a husband and then shifted to a slightly less appreciated conversation around my refusal to sleep with you – a conversation laced with an air of humour and gentle teasing and muddled with clear signs of your serious questioning.

But when you told me I should “penetrate a man”, you crossed that fine line.

And you crossed it again, and again, and again.

You crossed it when you held my arm too tightly, despite feeling me writhing beneath your firm grip.

You crossed it when you told me that I’ve gained weight and that my bigger breasts are the sign of it. You crossed it when you crudely suggested they are being hugged together in a way…

And I walked out.

I laugh, dismiss, shake my head, and continue with the carefree ease that has come to be my signature at the office.

You are able to say what you want to say because I have allowed you to. I did not care enough about you to waste my energy on you. I found it less stressful and less emotionally exhaustive to ignore you than to engage with you about that place – the insecure, low, and objectifying place – from which those comments emanate. You’re not a bad person, really. But somehow, you’ve not lived in the true strength of manhood. You have existed in its shadows, in its false pretenses, and in its vain attempts. And since you have bound your sense of self so intimately with me – your manhood with women – I beg to say that you have not been privileged to experience a woman for what she truly is.

For you look at your women but you do not see them. You listen to your women but you do not hear them. You touch your women but you often do not feel them.

So from now on, I will call it for what it is. Because otherwise, you will continue with your ways – from me to her. And suppose she spoke out to you? You would attribute it to a difference in personality. You would suggest that I am cool and calm, fun and easy going. And you will think of her as too serious, no fun, and too up-tight.

But it isn’t about personality. Because when you shoot, we both fall, for I am her and she is me.

So from now on, I will call it for what it is. I will invite you to conversations and endeavour to elegantly deconstruct the patriarchy and false manhood that has defined your vernacular and your very being.

And you should know – you have not battered or broken me. Not by any means. But I have robbed you of an opportunity to grow and to change – to be the type of man that I could respect and admire.

So I will continue to be brilliant and bold and beautiful. And I will exist without apology, without excuses, without reserve. But I will no longer walk away from calling it what it is. Harassment.

Change and Adaptive Leadership

It’s common vernacular – “people don’t like change”

But somehow, it’s not entirely true. I was recently doing some reading on adaptive leadership and came across a discussion on the topic of change and the common misconception that we are averse to it. In truth, it isn’t about change; it’s about loss. When change involves potential loss (real or perceived), our natural tendency is to cling to the familiar. The authors go on to say that the crucial factor therefore, is the ability to understand and articulate these potential losses in terms of relationships, wealth, status, loyalty, identity, competence etc. Of course, that isn’t going to solve all the problems since the question of loss is a difficult one – both emotionally and intellectually difficult to think through or foresee. It is however, an important question to work through in the praxis of adaptive leadership (and life in general).

It’s also not only about loss – it’s additionally, a question of what to preserve –

Adaptation is a process of conservation as well as loss. Although the losses of change are the hard part, adaptive change is mostly not about change at all. The question is not only, “Of all that we care about, what must be given up to survive and thrive going forward?” but also, “Of all that we care about, what elements are essential and must be preserved into the future, or we will lose precious values, core competencies, and lose who we are?

(source details below)

In a nutshell, we can start asking ourselves two questions – what do we have to lose and what is crucial to retain?

These are two questions that I have re-visited quite frequently in the last while with small and comparatively bigger decisions both personally and in a more professional context.

I hope this gives you something to think about as you approach inevitable changes in your life too. After all, change is the only constant.

t

PS – By now you should know never to believe anything I say. Take it from the source – “The Practice of Adaptive Leadership: Tools and Tactics for Changing Your Organization and the World”

By Ronald Heifetz, Alexander Grashow, and Marty Linsky

A New Chapter

Amigos!

I’m writing to you from one of my fave cities everrr – Toronto! The hustle and bustle of this place just does me wonders.  I’ve spent the past month in training, preparing for my first ever full-time job post grad (YAY!) with Engineers Without Borders (EWB).  I’ll soon be making my home in Ghana and working for EWB’s Governance and Rural Infrastructure team.

As opposed to getting into the details of what I will be doing (my way of making you re-visit this space hehe) I want to share with you why I am doing what I am doing.

They say the best things come in three’s, so here we go:

1.   “The world you were a child in stays with you all the days of your life.  Its light is the light you see by and its dark colours all your days” – Margaret Laurence

Growing up in Sri Lanka, I learned the fragility of life.  It instilled in me the belief that a truly dignified life is one lived for others.  (And no, I’m not talking about the kind of “live your life for others” that involves being enslaved to the opinions of others but rather, the “live your life for others” that acknowledges individual well-being as tied to the well-being of others regardless of race, ethnicity, class etc).  Funnily, it was not until I actually left Sri Lanka that I realized to what extent my childhood and subsequent visits back home shaped my values and beliefs.  But today, I know that my passion for service and international development is deeply rooted in my memories of home.

When my family later immigrated to Canada, the second seed was planted.  I knew I was inheriting opportunity through the sacrifices of those around me and I knew this came with a responsibility to pay my privilege forward.  Moving through the western education system, I learnt what it meant to approach nearly everything from a critical and curious perspective.  Indeed, it was not always about the right answers but the ability to ask better questions.  I also learnt about what it meant to be a minority within a system – a reality which further fueled my desire to enhance the vibrant voices of the “periphery” from both a local and global context.

2.   “Ask not what the world needs.  Ask instead what makes you come alive, and then go do it.  Because what the world needs is people who have come alive”. – Howard Thurman 

If you are reading this blog, it is likely that you have the privilege of exploring, discovering, asking big questions, and dreaming big dreams.  While perhaps it is unsettling that our world today does not extend this type of luxury to all people, I venture to say that guilt is not constructive.  And so, I ask.  I relentlessly ask of myself – what matters? What is it that truly ignites my heart and mind? How can I give of myself to the people, the communities, and the world around me in a manner that makes me come ALIVE?

I’m nowhere near defining my hedgehog, but for now, my heart knows where it needs to be.

3.   “Who I am is God’s gift to me; what I become is my gift to God” – Unknown

I remember looking up at these words from where I sat at my desk, each and every day from the time I was about 8 years old (posted there courtesy of the greatest papa dearest ever).  It continues to remind me that I am here on this earth for a purpose and I’ve got me some work to do for the glory of the Man upstairs.  And so, head up and heart open, my journey continues.

As the months progress, I hope to use this space to share with you some of my thoughts and questions pertaining to the complex, contested, and uncertain world of development and particularly, my work in Ghana.  Fire away your questions, comments, and thoughts in return – I’d love to learn from you.  I’ll also be posting them tidbits of excitement that come from happenings in Vancouver – the ones that have no relevance whatsoever to development.  Organized chaos. That’s what this is all about.

Much love,

T